*writes posts after almost a month hoping no one will notice because no one reads this blog anyway* I actually don’t know how or why the slump happened, but never you mind that.
I think this is going to be a sort of NaNo progress update and also sharing some things with y’all because this is also kinda like a journal for me.
So for like the first three days, I met the word count and sometimes exceeded it. I tried really hard to just fuck everything logical and just write, which is hard for me when it’s something I care strongly about creating. But something happened, and I read back over the writing (which has been in progress for a very long time) and I realized it just kinda…sucked. (real great word use Sarah your AP Lang teacher would be so proud).
Then I just had to sit down with myself and give myself an ultimatum and admit that the story just wasn’t going right, and I’ve read enough advice to know that the problem is often further back than I would think. With this particular story, I switched from first-person to third-person, and the problem occurred maybe when I was translating some already written parts to third-person, which just made the writing so much worse. My problem with it was that some parts needed to be in third-person, and others flowed so much better in first. I didn’t know what to do. I had rewritten ten first-person pages and turned it into over thirty third-person pages. I wanted to scream and cry and figure out what to do, because some parts are better third-person, and others need to be in first-person. I haven’t seen a successful book ever do that, and I wasn’t about to start.
I avoided writing. I told myself I needed to figure things out and get my life together (dramatic I know). I think it mostly stemmed from my fear of writing badly. (After reading The Novice oh btw rant coming soon, I had to just not write, I’ll explain why soon).
Today, I went to a NaNoWriMo thing my book club at school does every November (around the middle or so) to just write together and get feedback and eat food (mostly eat food). And while I was there with my freshmen year lit teacher, who runs the book club, she also had her friend there, who ended up, for lack of a better phrase, really changing my perspective on things and I think I will forever be grateful for that.
The last 45 minutes or so was spent mostly with me struggling to share my writing. To get us comfortable, my teacher and her friend decided to read first, and therefore make the rest of us more ready to share. My teacher had realized she also had never read any of my creative writing, but merely my essays and stuff from when I was in her class. I’m like that sometimes. I still hate hearing my work read out loud. But after much coercion, I did it. And it’s probably my best accomplishment to this day.
My teacher’s friend also talked a lot about confidence and self-worth, which resonated with me. They let me know that its okay to feel this way, but that I was in a safe place and he was already excited to read it and thought it was gonna be awesome. I stalled for a shit long time, but I finally said fuck it and read.
It took a lot out of me, I stuttered, cut words out as I read, all that. Lol, there’s even a part where an exorcist is mentioned and we heard banging on the door and naturally we all flipped out.
By the end of it though, I was glad I had read. And my teacher’s friend even complimented me (genuinely, which was shocking), and I think it boosted my self-confidence and kinda got me out of my funk. I was told, by my teacher, her friend, and Gwen, to just write. That’s what this month is about. Because I can always go back and edit.
Get words down on paper. It goes against every fiber of my being, but that’s what needs to happen. And I know what’s best for my story, never mind the crazy things about perspectives and whether or not the writing is actually worth anything.
I wish to write. But I have to be in the right zone, or its shitty. Its kinda the reason I like NaNo though, because I need to understand and get used to the fact that I have to write anyway, and that perfect zone of inspiration may never come. I knew that if I didn’t write this month, than certain things will have never been written at all, because I would be waiting for that perfect moment that would never come.
Sidenote, Madelyn showed me the best thing to listen to to be productive. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20XE6GM7xWo
It makes it sound like you’re in the Hogwarts library, complete with page turning and rain and writing on parchment – I love it. This channel even does the common rooms for each house and the classrooms – so go check it out for like homework or writing or even just white noise for when you can’t sleep. Anyway, I probably won’t write tonight, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be thinking bout it. I have calculus to do (btw More Happy Than Not is asdfghjkl more to come on that later). Bye y’all, hopefully one of us will start posting regularly again soon.